Have you read Kate Harding's entry The Fantasy of Being Thin? If you haven't, go. Read it now. I'll wait.
Done? Okay, settle in because I have Things To Say about it.
Now, we all know how I've struggled with being both a body acceptance advocate and a WLS patient; they are two things that seem 100% at odds with each other, aren't they? How can I say that I accept my body when I took the extreme measure of rearranging my intestines in order to change it? How can I tell women "Love yourself and ignore your flaws! Weight is just a stupid number!" when I keep a spreadsheet of my measurements and weight to track my losses? I am either the world's biggest hypocrite or I am very, very confused.
But here's the thing. I believe that to be successful with this surgery, to be able to not only lose the weight but develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise and all that other good for you stuff, you need to first accept your body for what it is. You need to look in the mirror and memorize every bit of it. You need to figure out what your limitations are, what your talents are, what your abilities are. And then you need to accept them and move the fuck on with living your life to the fullest.
Blunt, aren't I? Stop waiting until you are "thin enough", stop putting things off until you reach "goal". Just go out there and start seeing what you're made of. Run, dance, cook, shop, read, travel, whatever it is you want to do, stop waiting to do it, regardless of whatever size you are right this second. Because here's the cold, hard truth: you may never reach the goal weight set by your doctor. I may not either. But I'm not going to let that stop me from having a damn good time with this life of mine.
I was talking to my college roommate the other day, for the first time in over a year. And I told her about me having the surgery and she was, quite frankly, a little surprised. She wasn't the first one; a number of people who have known me for years were surprised since (in their words) I was always happy with myself and my life. It's as though there is this perception out there that you have to be miserable in life and hate yourself to do something so drastic. For me, it was the opposite. I did it out of love for myself and my body. I paid close attention to my body, and it was telling me that I was on the cusp of numerous health problems, and I saw what my body's future was every time I looked at my mother. I wanted something different than that for myself, and I needed help to get there.
Before the surgery, I did not let my weight rule my life. I didn't starve myself into a smaller sized wedding gown; I worked with what I had and I was fucking gorgeous the day I got married. I didn't shy away from meeting new people or dating prolifically, and my bed wasn't empty unless I wanted it to be. I traveled all over the country, I applied for (and got!) new, better jobs when I was bored with my old ones. I walked in 5Ks, I walked in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, I took road trips with friends. I wore high heels and red lipstick, dyed my hair whatever color fit my mood, and danced until the wee hours at bars filled with drunk coeds. And the only times I tried to lose weight were when my doctors said things to me like "high blood pressure's becoming a problem" or "your cholesterol's higher than I'd like to see it."
Here's the thing: my life today is not that different than it was before the surgery. Seriously, it's not. I have the same awesome husband and the same (usually awesome) job and the same fantastic friends. I also have the same family and the same volunteer work and the same day to day stressors. I have not magically become smarter or more popular or better in any way. And I'll tell you another thing: that is why this surgery has been so successful and so easy for me so far. I already had a life that I loved, a life that makes me happy and fulfilled and content before I lost a single damn pound.
A perfect body does not equal a perfect life, nor does it equal a perfect soul. And I don't expect to have a perfect body as a result of this surgery. I expect to have a healthier body, and already, I'm there. Can it be even better? Yeah, I think so. Every day I can push it a little harder, I can do a little more than I used to. I'm going to start running this month, something I was physically not able to do a year ago. I'm going to start running even though I'm still pudgy and soft and do not look like a runner, but I want to run so I'm going to run.
What are you going to do?
Done? Okay, settle in because I have Things To Say about it.
Now, we all know how I've struggled with being both a body acceptance advocate and a WLS patient; they are two things that seem 100% at odds with each other, aren't they? How can I say that I accept my body when I took the extreme measure of rearranging my intestines in order to change it? How can I tell women "Love yourself and ignore your flaws! Weight is just a stupid number!" when I keep a spreadsheet of my measurements and weight to track my losses? I am either the world's biggest hypocrite or I am very, very confused.
But here's the thing. I believe that to be successful with this surgery, to be able to not only lose the weight but develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise and all that other good for you stuff, you need to first accept your body for what it is. You need to look in the mirror and memorize every bit of it. You need to figure out what your limitations are, what your talents are, what your abilities are. And then you need to accept them and move the fuck on with living your life to the fullest.
Blunt, aren't I? Stop waiting until you are "thin enough", stop putting things off until you reach "goal". Just go out there and start seeing what you're made of. Run, dance, cook, shop, read, travel, whatever it is you want to do, stop waiting to do it, regardless of whatever size you are right this second. Because here's the cold, hard truth: you may never reach the goal weight set by your doctor. I may not either. But I'm not going to let that stop me from having a damn good time with this life of mine.
I was talking to my college roommate the other day, for the first time in over a year. And I told her about me having the surgery and she was, quite frankly, a little surprised. She wasn't the first one; a number of people who have known me for years were surprised since (in their words) I was always happy with myself and my life. It's as though there is this perception out there that you have to be miserable in life and hate yourself to do something so drastic. For me, it was the opposite. I did it out of love for myself and my body. I paid close attention to my body, and it was telling me that I was on the cusp of numerous health problems, and I saw what my body's future was every time I looked at my mother. I wanted something different than that for myself, and I needed help to get there.
Before the surgery, I did not let my weight rule my life. I didn't starve myself into a smaller sized wedding gown; I worked with what I had and I was fucking gorgeous the day I got married. I didn't shy away from meeting new people or dating prolifically, and my bed wasn't empty unless I wanted it to be. I traveled all over the country, I applied for (and got!) new, better jobs when I was bored with my old ones. I walked in 5Ks, I walked in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, I took road trips with friends. I wore high heels and red lipstick, dyed my hair whatever color fit my mood, and danced until the wee hours at bars filled with drunk coeds. And the only times I tried to lose weight were when my doctors said things to me like "high blood pressure's becoming a problem" or "your cholesterol's higher than I'd like to see it."
Here's the thing: my life today is not that different than it was before the surgery. Seriously, it's not. I have the same awesome husband and the same (usually awesome) job and the same fantastic friends. I also have the same family and the same volunteer work and the same day to day stressors. I have not magically become smarter or more popular or better in any way. And I'll tell you another thing: that is why this surgery has been so successful and so easy for me so far. I already had a life that I loved, a life that makes me happy and fulfilled and content before I lost a single damn pound.
A perfect body does not equal a perfect life, nor does it equal a perfect soul. And I don't expect to have a perfect body as a result of this surgery. I expect to have a healthier body, and already, I'm there. Can it be even better? Yeah, I think so. Every day I can push it a little harder, I can do a little more than I used to. I'm going to start running this month, something I was physically not able to do a year ago. I'm going to start running even though I'm still pudgy and soft and do not look like a runner, but I want to run so I'm going to run.
What are you going to do?
7 Comments:
Thank you. I feel educated and inspired. I had a pretty happy life prior to surgery, and have cleared away some of the cobwebs that always surrounded the darker parts of life. I think to do this successfully I have to love me as I am right now. My now is always changing, and of course there are goals and wanting to do more, but if I can keep living in the now, then I can do this.
Thank you again. Beautiful prolific post. I've missed reading them.
thanks.
i haven't had WLS...i'm going the other route right now, but thank you for tellin gme this. my life is not going to change into what i want it to be when i am smaller.
i have to make my life into what i want it to be now....
I'm struggling with all of this myself. I have lost 50 pounds in the past year and I am heading toward a gastric bypass as it is necessary for me to live longer.
The thing is, I don't have a problem with my weight. I don't think it is evil, I accepted being a fat woman sometime ago. now, I feel like I am turning my back on the fat acceptance movement by doing this.
It is difficult. I have the health problems, within a couple months, I went from healthy with just PCOS (and pain issues but those are something else entirely) to a diabetic with high blood pressure. If I don't lose this weight, I will die young.
It is a struggle but, I know what I have to do for myself.
Wow! This really hit home for me; we have a lot in common. Although I can't say that I was perfectly happy before, though everyone perceived me to be. I also knew that medical issues were just waiting to erupt after I was diagnosed as Diabetic. I too still lead the same life I did before... I'm just more active now and I feel like I can live the life I was meant to live and live it well.
Thanks for sharing; loved the post.
Oh, and you were a gorgeous bride! Love the picture!
My dear sweet friend, thank you for putting this out there. (And the link to the other post.) You are a gorgeous woman regardless of your dress size and I love you. I am so glad you are doing well (healthy & happy) and are going to start running.
I? Bought a bicycle today. I am going to ride around like a kid again and enjoy the exercise. Wish me luck! (I should have bought a helmet.)
I love the internet. One blog lead to another lead to another and here I am reading all yours..I am sitting here with tears just streaming down my face......wow. LOVED the post..It hit me so hard as I sit here depressed and a cross-roads in life so to speak trying to decide what I am doing, where I am going, how to find happiness again. I wish I could give you a big hug!! This post-this one post has changed my thinking and given me the motivation to look a little deeper inside myself.
Kim
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