Last week, my husband turned 31. Well, first he had a kidney stone, and then he turned 31. And since we did very little to celebrate when he turned 30 last year, it was decided that this year would be the year of Big Celebrations. Big as in my mother-in-law came down and we had a big ass barbecue at my mom's house and did various other socializing type things.
Thursday night we celebrated his birthday with a nice dinner out at Jake's, a restaurant we never go to often enough. My mother-in-law and her boyfriend were with us; it was the first time they'd been around me since the surgery and I knew they'd be watching to see how I ate. At one point, Boyfriend asked could I have a roll if I wanted it, and I said yes, I could, but was able to honestly say no, I didn't want one. I was looking forward to a few bites of their amazing crab cake, and even more than that, I was looking forward to some perfectly cooked macadamia panko crusted salmon (I never get salmon at home because Kevin hates it). I didn't want to fill myself up on one roll.
So that's what I had...a little bit of crab cake, a few ounces of salmon, and a lovely to go container that meant I would get to have more yummy salmon the next day for lunch. The three of them each ordered dessert and I joked about Kevin being my surrogate eater, but in reality, all of it sounded too rich, too sweet, too much. I was perfectly content to sit and just talk with them while they finished their desserts and I sipped my water. It was a perfectly lovely meal, and afterwards I walked 3 blocks to the car in heels I'd been wearing all day, and I wasn't a bit miserable. My feet didn't hurt, my knees didn't hurt, and the only thing I was worried about was falling down because it was dark and there were no streetlights.
People talk about their "wow moments", but that was more of a "wow evening" for me. In January, I weighed 318 pounds, and would have eaten three times as much at the restaurant. I would have walked away stuffed and whiny about having to walk three blocks, because my feet would have been killing me. Last week, I weighed 275 (which is still a lot but damn, that's 43 pounds less) and nothing hurt and I wasn't stuffed and I was able to walk 3 blocks without blinking. And finally, FINALLY, a meal out with family was not just about the food we were eating. It was about sitting and spending time talking to people we see too rarely; the food was just a nice accompaniment.
And on Saturday, I was able to do it again. We'd planned carefully, picked out a marinade with very little sugar for my chicken breasts (this one, in case you are looking for a good one), made sure there was some fruit there that I could eat with it. And then I went on and enjoyed the party. I ate my half a chicken breast and cantoloupe, I drank a zillion bottles of water, I cut and served the black forest cake I had made...and I never once felt deprived or left out or weird. And I had a really, really good time with our friends and family.
So you know, even though I really wish someone had told me "Oh, you'll totally throw up every so often for awhile" rather than saying it was a "possible side effect", I am still so glad that I did this. I'm glad because I finally know what it feels like to not be obsessed with my food, to not have to eat it all out of a desperate fear that I will never eat that particular dish again, to be able to just sit and socialize with people and have them be my focus without wondering if they would think badly of me for having seconds.
It's not a whole new life or anything; it's just a better version of the one I already had.
Thursday night we celebrated his birthday with a nice dinner out at Jake's, a restaurant we never go to often enough. My mother-in-law and her boyfriend were with us; it was the first time they'd been around me since the surgery and I knew they'd be watching to see how I ate. At one point, Boyfriend asked could I have a roll if I wanted it, and I said yes, I could, but was able to honestly say no, I didn't want one. I was looking forward to a few bites of their amazing crab cake, and even more than that, I was looking forward to some perfectly cooked macadamia panko crusted salmon (I never get salmon at home because Kevin hates it). I didn't want to fill myself up on one roll.
So that's what I had...a little bit of crab cake, a few ounces of salmon, and a lovely to go container that meant I would get to have more yummy salmon the next day for lunch. The three of them each ordered dessert and I joked about Kevin being my surrogate eater, but in reality, all of it sounded too rich, too sweet, too much. I was perfectly content to sit and just talk with them while they finished their desserts and I sipped my water. It was a perfectly lovely meal, and afterwards I walked 3 blocks to the car in heels I'd been wearing all day, and I wasn't a bit miserable. My feet didn't hurt, my knees didn't hurt, and the only thing I was worried about was falling down because it was dark and there were no streetlights.
People talk about their "wow moments", but that was more of a "wow evening" for me. In January, I weighed 318 pounds, and would have eaten three times as much at the restaurant. I would have walked away stuffed and whiny about having to walk three blocks, because my feet would have been killing me. Last week, I weighed 275 (which is still a lot but damn, that's 43 pounds less) and nothing hurt and I wasn't stuffed and I was able to walk 3 blocks without blinking. And finally, FINALLY, a meal out with family was not just about the food we were eating. It was about sitting and spending time talking to people we see too rarely; the food was just a nice accompaniment.
And on Saturday, I was able to do it again. We'd planned carefully, picked out a marinade with very little sugar for my chicken breasts (this one, in case you are looking for a good one), made sure there was some fruit there that I could eat with it. And then I went on and enjoyed the party. I ate my half a chicken breast and cantoloupe, I drank a zillion bottles of water, I cut and served the black forest cake I had made...and I never once felt deprived or left out or weird. And I had a really, really good time with our friends and family.
So you know, even though I really wish someone had told me "Oh, you'll totally throw up every so often for awhile" rather than saying it was a "possible side effect", I am still so glad that I did this. I'm glad because I finally know what it feels like to not be obsessed with my food, to not have to eat it all out of a desperate fear that I will never eat that particular dish again, to be able to just sit and socialize with people and have them be my focus without wondering if they would think badly of me for having seconds.
It's not a whole new life or anything; it's just a better version of the one I already had.
4 Comments:
Oh no.. sorry to hear about the husband's kidney stone. They SUCK! I hope I never get another one.
So - sounds like you had a FABULOUS evening out with the in-laws. That feeling - the I'm-in-control-and-I-look-hot-as-hell-in-these-heels-feeling - it only gets BETTER!!! I wear skirt or dresses and heels almost every day and I love the feeling of walking around San Francisco or at an after-work function, not at all uncomfortable in my shoes or my clothes. So so happy for you Melinda!
You are doing so well! I am so very thrilled for you!
That is so awesome! I hope I get to the point that I don't want to "eat it all out of a desperate fear that I will never eat that particular dish again". I'm still struggling with that now. My surgery is 10/19 and I can't wait. I appreciate getting a glimpse at the future through your posts!!
Isn't it great to feel better!
I've lost 32 pounds since joining Weight Watchers at the end of May and it's amazing to me how much better I feel. I still have around 80 pounds to go and I can't imagine how good I'll feel then.
I'm glad you're doing so well!
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