I have to admit something.
I am sometimes extraordinarily judgemental towards other fat people.
Specifically, I am extraordinarily judgemental about the way they dress. More then once I have visibly cringed upon seeing a girl wear an outfit that clings too tight or allows rolls of flesh to hang out. I saw a woman the other day in the parking lot who had squeezed herself into a stretch denim jumper that had to be two sizes too small and I shuddered a little when I realized I could see her cellulite. On Monday when I went walking at the bay, I saw a woman stretching, a woman who was much smaller than me but who also had a lot of belly. And as she stretched her shirt rode up and I could see the fleshy whiteness of that belly sticking out like bread dough allowed to rise for too long. And I was embarrassed for her, even though I don't know her and no one was staring at her. She certainly wasn't embarrassed.
I'm fully aware that this is me projecting my own fears onto other people. I spend a lot of time tugging my shirt down to make sure nothing gets exposed. I pick out outfits based on how well they cover my "unfortunate bits" (and oh, there are so many unfortunate bits). I avoid clingy things and tight things and sleeveless things in hopes that no one will notice that I'm as fat as I am. When I stretch out before or after I walk, I make sure that there is no one behind me to be stunned into a coma over the enormity of my ass when I bend over. I never wear tank tops when I work out in public, regardless of how ever-loving hot it might be. Every minute of every day I am acutely aware of my body and I do everything I can to make sure that it's as aesthetically acceptable as possible to the rest of the world.
I wish I had the courage to wear tank tops in public. I wish I had the confidence to not care about someone catching a flash of belly or being subjected to the sight of me bending over. But I don't have either of those, and so my sensibilites get offended when other fat people do. And I've tried to not be like that. I've tried to get behind the "You go girl!" mentality of it all and accept that these women are showing themselves off because they love themselves, I've wanted to be able to stop judging these girls and women but I just want them to cover themselves up.
But I just can't. I can't do it anymore than I can accept skinny girls wearing absurd fashion trends involving leggings or pants under dresses or formal shorts.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a traitor to the cause.
Maybe I am.
I am sometimes extraordinarily judgemental towards other fat people.
Specifically, I am extraordinarily judgemental about the way they dress. More then once I have visibly cringed upon seeing a girl wear an outfit that clings too tight or allows rolls of flesh to hang out. I saw a woman the other day in the parking lot who had squeezed herself into a stretch denim jumper that had to be two sizes too small and I shuddered a little when I realized I could see her cellulite. On Monday when I went walking at the bay, I saw a woman stretching, a woman who was much smaller than me but who also had a lot of belly. And as she stretched her shirt rode up and I could see the fleshy whiteness of that belly sticking out like bread dough allowed to rise for too long. And I was embarrassed for her, even though I don't know her and no one was staring at her. She certainly wasn't embarrassed.
I'm fully aware that this is me projecting my own fears onto other people. I spend a lot of time tugging my shirt down to make sure nothing gets exposed. I pick out outfits based on how well they cover my "unfortunate bits" (and oh, there are so many unfortunate bits). I avoid clingy things and tight things and sleeveless things in hopes that no one will notice that I'm as fat as I am. When I stretch out before or after I walk, I make sure that there is no one behind me to be stunned into a coma over the enormity of my ass when I bend over. I never wear tank tops when I work out in public, regardless of how ever-loving hot it might be. Every minute of every day I am acutely aware of my body and I do everything I can to make sure that it's as aesthetically acceptable as possible to the rest of the world.
I wish I had the courage to wear tank tops in public. I wish I had the confidence to not care about someone catching a flash of belly or being subjected to the sight of me bending over. But I don't have either of those, and so my sensibilites get offended when other fat people do. And I've tried to not be like that. I've tried to get behind the "You go girl!" mentality of it all and accept that these women are showing themselves off because they love themselves, I've wanted to be able to stop judging these girls and women but I just want them to cover themselves up.
But I just can't. I can't do it anymore than I can accept skinny girls wearing absurd fashion trends involving leggings or pants under dresses or formal shorts.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a traitor to the cause.
Maybe I am.
1 Comments:
Nope, I'm with you 100% on the ugliness of the "if you've got it - no matter how you got it - flaunt it". It's ugly on skinny girls and fugly on fat girls. It's more of a SoCal thing, tho. I've noticed way more if it there than even in Oakland and far more than in the Midwest where we have a high proportion of fat folk.
*S*
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