All I want is normalcy
Friday, April 06, 2007
Have I mentioned that I absolutely loathe sitting through my WW meetings? I'm surrounded by these people who are all so balls to the wall and gung ho on the diet and it makes me irritable.

It makes me irritable because I can't do it. I cannot throw myself into it and embrace the good health guidelines religiously and lose weight every week like those people do. Especially this one guy who sits behind me and spouts of crap about "facing the beast" and how the way he gets through his workouts is to be angry at himself and belittle himself for being stupid and getting fat. And the people there just lap it up, agreeing with him and talking about what an awesome strategy that is.

No. It is not awesome to call yourself stupid for gaining weight. It is not awesome to be angry at yourself while you work out. It is not awesome to belittle yourself and encourage other people to do it to themselves too.

I will fully admit that I'm not following the program as written. The last couple of weeks I didn't rack a single Point, and really, I wasn't surprised to have posted a gain last night. But you know what? I only ate half of my Chinese food lunch last weekend. I did a five mile walk on Monday night, followed by a three mile walk on Tuesday. I drank so much water that every day I lost track after 3 liters. And I remembered to take my vitamins every single day.

But apparently, I should be mad at myself, because that will motivate me to not eat the marshmallow egg. Fuck that. Being mad at myself (or my mother or my friends or my job) is what got me fat in the first place because nothing calms me down like a quick shot of carbs and sugar.

I hate sitting through the meetings because it's just another reminder that I'm not normal. I can't sit down to a meal and eat just enough to satisfy me; I have to eat it all, even if I know I'll be overly full afterwards. If only I had a dollar for everytime I groaned "I'm gonna have a pizza/ice cream/pie/pasta baby!", I would be a very rich woman. I have yet to meet a cupcake I did not want to immediately devour (and usually did), and more than once I've eaten enough cheese to feed an entire nation worth of rats.

This is not how a normal person behaves around food. Normal people do not daydream about cheesecake or count the hours until their planned binge on pizza. Normal people don't have to have arguments with themselves about whether or not they should eat that Twinkie, and they don't have to constantly convince themselves to cook a vegetable to go with dinner.

Eating is not the center of their universe. But it is the center of mine.

This is not what I want to be. Logically, I know what I need to do. I have the knowledge, and I even like most of the healthy foods that I'm supposed to be eating. I should totally be one of the balls to the wall WW dieters. But I'm not. And sitting through these meetings is not helping me become a normal person. It's just making me more obsessed with food.

And man, that pisses me off the very most.


Anonymous lisa-marie said...

Do you really have to go to those meetings? They sound horrible! What a bunch of crazy bastards!!

Blogger Measi said...

A couple years ago, I tried WW... and went apeshit crazy. They may claim they're successful, but honestly all it did was make me feel horrendous about myself... and I started to crave food that I normally wouldn't even think to eat.

But yeah... it doesn't sound like a healthy bunch of people to be around. :(

Blogger Melinda said...

You know, it really is a good program, but I'm glad to see that they have the at home option because the meetings can really be a trigger for some people. It's not that any of the people there are bad people; they all have their own food issues and there is a definite sense of camaraderie but when you're as cynical as I am about the whole weight loss deal, it's jsut hard to tolerate sometimes.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was one of those subverters in my WW group in Walnut Creek almost 20 years ago. The leader refused to cop to the idea that a) some of us had huge psych issues we engaged with through food; b) all of her group had been through major abuse/trauma - we had a concentration camp survivor in the group, for cryin' out loud and that c) you could follow the plan to the letter and still the only place you would "lose big" was in your pocket book. They shut down the group and replaced the leader. I was politely asked not to come back, and give some very nice, uh, going-away presents.


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