You know what no one tells you about weight loss surgery before you have it?
No one tells you that it is a complete and total mindfuck.
Oh sure, you read the stories about stalls and hibernation syndrome and slow loss, about people not being able to recognize that they are not as big as they used to be, about patients still wondering if they will fit into a restaurant booth and being shocked when they do.
But those stories are all easy to ignore, because it's much easier to think that you are not going to have any of those issues. You're not going to freak out and melt down when the scale refuses to budge because it's just a number! At least, that's what I believed about myself, because it's much easier to focus on the promise of crazy rapid weight loss and stories about people losing 30 pounds the first month.
I believed it until today, when I found myself sitting in my surgeon's office fighting back tears while telling the dietician that I was not doing so well because when I weighed in this morning I weighed exactly what I weighed 3 weeks ago. Even my home scale backed that up....when I did my one month weigh in at home, it was exactly right where it was 10 days ago. And when I say exactly, I mean it didn't move up or down even 1/10th of a pound. In other words, I've lost 15 pounds in one month, and that all fell off in the first 9 days. (At least I didn't gain 6 pounds, like I dreamed I did last night!)
Surprisingly, (and also awesomely) Laura the dietician said she wasn't concerned in the least, that 15 pounds in one month is pretty average, that plenty of patients stall like this in the beginning. She was, in fact, pretty damn happy with what I've been eating and how much water I've been drinking and how much I've been working out. But it didn't make me stop wanting to cry.
Dr. Mueller did better at making the "I want to cry" feeling go away, because he is also awesome. He told me that in fact, the stall tells him that I'm doing everything right. Totally counterintuitive, right? Well, we talked about the fact that I am down a size in clothes and that when I measured myself this morning (I'm doing monthly measuring) I'd lost 14.5 inches (I KNOW! Can you believe that?). And when he heard that part he said "See, now I really know you're doing what you're supposed to!" and went on to explain that the lack of weight loss combined with the shrinking size means that I'm already shifting from a catabolic state to an anabolic state. And being in an anabolic state is good! And the weight should start coming off again soon, he said, and when it does it'll be all fat.
Of course, the whole anabolic vs catabolic state confused me so I looked it up as soon as I got to work and here's the best explanation I found:
So yay me? I guess? It's just so fucking hard to deal with, because I've never attempted to lose weight without that number on the scale being the be all, end all measure of success. And it wasn't just me using that to keep track of how well I'd done, it was my doctors and my Weight Watchers leaders and friends and everyone. It's incredibly hard for me to let go of that, it's incredibly hard to know that whenever someone asks me how much weight I've lost since the surgery I can only say 15 pounds; I'm so ashamed/disappointed that I'll probably add in the 10 pounds I lost on my pre-op diet and say 25 instead. Or maybe I'll just keep saying "I don't know, but I've lost a clothing size!" So far, that seems to make people happy for me.
But I still can't wait until I can answer that question with a number instead.
No one tells you that it is a complete and total mindfuck.
Oh sure, you read the stories about stalls and hibernation syndrome and slow loss, about people not being able to recognize that they are not as big as they used to be, about patients still wondering if they will fit into a restaurant booth and being shocked when they do.
But those stories are all easy to ignore, because it's much easier to think that you are not going to have any of those issues. You're not going to freak out and melt down when the scale refuses to budge because it's just a number! At least, that's what I believed about myself, because it's much easier to focus on the promise of crazy rapid weight loss and stories about people losing 30 pounds the first month.
I believed it until today, when I found myself sitting in my surgeon's office fighting back tears while telling the dietician that I was not doing so well because when I weighed in this morning I weighed exactly what I weighed 3 weeks ago. Even my home scale backed that up....when I did my one month weigh in at home, it was exactly right where it was 10 days ago. And when I say exactly, I mean it didn't move up or down even 1/10th of a pound. In other words, I've lost 15 pounds in one month, and that all fell off in the first 9 days. (At least I didn't gain 6 pounds, like I dreamed I did last night!)
Surprisingly, (and also awesomely) Laura the dietician said she wasn't concerned in the least, that 15 pounds in one month is pretty average, that plenty of patients stall like this in the beginning. She was, in fact, pretty damn happy with what I've been eating and how much water I've been drinking and how much I've been working out. But it didn't make me stop wanting to cry.
Dr. Mueller did better at making the "I want to cry" feeling go away, because he is also awesome. He told me that in fact, the stall tells him that I'm doing everything right. Totally counterintuitive, right? Well, we talked about the fact that I am down a size in clothes and that when I measured myself this morning (I'm doing monthly measuring) I'd lost 14.5 inches (I KNOW! Can you believe that?). And when he heard that part he said "See, now I really know you're doing what you're supposed to!" and went on to explain that the lack of weight loss combined with the shrinking size means that I'm already shifting from a catabolic state to an anabolic state. And being in an anabolic state is good! And the weight should start coming off again soon, he said, and when it does it'll be all fat.
Of course, the whole anabolic vs catabolic state confused me so I looked it up as soon as I got to work and here's the best explanation I found:
One way of categorizing metabolic processes, whether at the cellular, organ or organism level is as anabolic or catabolic. Catabolism is the part of metabolism that breaks down molecules into smaller units to generate energy and simultaneously takes measures to conserve energy. Stress, such as during weight loss program, can put the body into the catabolic state, in which the body can experience muscle loss, reduced metabolic rate with a corresponding reduced calorie expenditure and lower perceived energy levels, and weight gain in the form of fat. One aspect of the catabolic state is that it can be characterized as having high cortisol (a catabolic stress hormone) levels and low testosterone (an anabolic hormone) levels.
Conversely, in the anabolic state the body experiences muscle maintenance or growth, normal metabolic rates, and weight loss in the form of fat. The anabolic state can be characterized by relatively low cortisol levels and high testosterone levels.
So yay me? I guess? It's just so fucking hard to deal with, because I've never attempted to lose weight without that number on the scale being the be all, end all measure of success. And it wasn't just me using that to keep track of how well I'd done, it was my doctors and my Weight Watchers leaders and friends and everyone. It's incredibly hard for me to let go of that, it's incredibly hard to know that whenever someone asks me how much weight I've lost since the surgery I can only say 15 pounds; I'm so ashamed/disappointed that I'll probably add in the 10 pounds I lost on my pre-op diet and say 25 instead. Or maybe I'll just keep saying "I don't know, but I've lost a clothing size!" So far, that seems to make people happy for me.
But I still can't wait until I can answer that question with a number instead.
6 Comments:
You poor dear.. noone can prepare you for the mindfuck that is WLS. It's SO HARD those first few months.. but I PROMISE it will get better.
I was just thinking about a day, maybe a month post-op, when I was driving with my bf. He was hungry and I pulled over to McD's so that he could order a breakfast sandwich. The smell coming off of that thing was like torture. I turned to him and told him that if he didn't roll down the window I'd stab him with a plastic fork. That's how food (and WLS and body image and well, all of it) fucks with our minds.
Anne certainly knows it's a mind fuck. I bet going back and reading some of her archives would be really helpful at a low moment like this.
Oh man, we've all been there. It's almost a rite of passage. You have to live through the time when it feels like nothing's happening and you're "failing."
You just keep at it, you exercise as much as you can, you consume whatever you're supposed to and IT WILL WORK.
A few months from now you'll be giving some newbie this advice I just gave you....
Dagny
I have to agree with them, it was and is still a mindfuck for me and I'm only 9 months out....exercise, eat well and drink your water...it does work!
I just caught up on this, dear. YOU are a goddamned ROCK STAR, and I am so proud of you. So, so proud.
Mindfuck, yep. But, you are 1/10th of the way to your goal weight.
Think about it that way :)
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